Mothers tuck treasures away and hold them forever in their hearts. The Bible even says about Mary, the mother of Jesus, "But Mary treasured up all these things, and pondered them in her heart." Today, March 12, 2017, while he is across the country in his new Seattle apartment, I am mulling one of those treasures over in my mind.
As a young mother, I lived within that glorious bubble known as, The Illusion of Control. I reveled in schedules, being able to provide for all my young children's needs, and planning the next life event for our family. In the summer of 1994, my paradigm began shifting. The year before, with Larry's medical training finally finished and with two kids in tow, we had moved back to Ohio. Our plan was to live rurally in Larry's home community and have him practice in a larger city 45 minutes away. We bought a ten acre property with fields, apple trees, a windmill, an old barn, and a house on a picturesque (but very lonely) hill. We had to learn the hard way that you really can't go home again.
Who moves back to their home community and then a year later, moves away?! We had changed too much to live that rurally; and Larry was working 12-14 hour days with nearly an hour long commute on either end. In the midst of our moving discussions, another unplanned event came our way. It left me reeling for many months. From today's vantage point, it seems immature that it was such a tremor, but I felt this was the last straw, that my well planned life had dissolved. And I ached with guilt for having these thoughts. On March 12, 1996, the emotions oozed out into a poem. Perhaps a few other mothers out there can relate.
To My Baby, Derek Jon, on His First Birthday
My sweet baby, Derek Jon, with brown, soft curls and chubby legs, and eyes so sparkling blue, who knew? Who knew in those first moments of disbelief, when the test said yes, a baby had been conceived? The tears and the anguish within my soul; my heart and life were full with a three year old boy and a toddler girl and a doctor husband and a cat named Sheba, but who knew it was YOU?
The nine months were long and hard. I couldn't imagine who you were. I just complained that I kept getting bigger. I wondered, what would I do with three little kids. I loved babies, but not NOW.
And then you were here and the hot love that welled up in my heart melted the cold winter of waiting. Sweet and warm, sea blue eyes full of trust, chubby feet in double wide shoes, limitless supply of smiles, cherub face framed in soft, brown curls. Who knew, my angel child, it would be YOU!
God knew. He picked you from His Kinder Garden and put you in my heart. God knew what I was missing and He brought you, Derek Jon.
Happy Birthday Son. You are so loved!